The Claw

In my years experience as a CNA, I have learned that bariatric patients sometimes require special technique. There are things that can be hard to reach, positions that are unattainable, and movements that can be limited. My first experience with this is when I answered a call light for a CNA that was on lunch.

I met a very pleasant bariatric patient that seemed to be in a panic. The first thing he asked, is if I had ever helped him before. "No,"  I replied. His panic increased. He then proceeded to tell me, that his wife had left momentarily, and usually she does this for him, but he just couldn't wait any longer so I would have to do it.

"Okay," I said. "What do you want me to do?"

"Do you see that urinal over there? Well grab that. Now... make your hand like a claw."

Already I could tell this wasn't going to be fun. But I got the urinal and kept my face free of any facial expressions, although there were many to suppress.

"Now, with your hand like a claw," he continued, "Reach inside my scrotum until you find the head of my penis. When you find it, pull it out and put it in the urinal so I can pee."

I was wishing it was April 1st and someone had set me up. But the patient was so serious and desperate, and I could tell he really didn't want me to use the claw anymore than I did. So I put on my serious face and performed the task. He was so relieved.

"Are you sure you haven't done this before," he asked? "You got it on the first try. Good job!"