"5th floor this is Damaris"

Everytime the phone rings on the 5th floor from 17-0130, callers are greeted by, "5th floor this is Damaris."

Most of the time my job is simple. Listen for who they want - and transfer them to who they want.

But at least once a night, someone will call and just baffle me. Not so much in the sense that I don't know how to help them, but make myself question... really?? Are you for real??

For instance:

The never failing... first name basis calls
Caller: How's my grandma?
Me: Who is your grandma?
Caller: Shirley.
Me: I need to know her last name. We have about 300 patients in this hospital, and about 150 of them are grandmas. That means about 30 are named Shirley.

The I want to tell you my whole life story calls
Caller: Hi, my friend is taking care of someone named, George I think, or maye Bill, and they were discharged from there yesterday.
Me: Okay
Caller: Well, he had heart surgery (in my mind I already know this call is for cardiac surgery floor - not my floor) and I came to pick my friend up to take her to Winco and she told me that this guy is really mad and throwing stuff at the wall and yelling and she wants to leave but she can't because he's sick. And he doesn't have anyone to take care of him so she feels like she has to stay, but I don't think she should stay because she could get hurt (in my mind I'm wishing he would take a breath so I can transfer him). I think he should be in a nursing home because this isn't right for my friend to be taking care of George... or Bill.
Me: Let me transfer you downstairs.

The hard of hearing calls:
Me: 5th floor this is Damaris.
Caller: Who?
Me: Daaammmaaarrriiis
Caller: Tamara?
Me: No with a D, DDDamaris.
Caller: Oh, well Amara, can you transfer me to Mary?

Really??? All that trouble and my name doesn't even matter?

The I'm not a doctor calls:

Caller: I'm having chest pain.
Me: Okay I'm the secretary, let me have you talk to a nurse.
Caller: But I don't know if I should go to the hospital. Because I've had chest pain before and they told me to take my nitro pill but this time it's not working.
Me: Okay man, please hold on and I will transfer you to a nurse.
Caller: Okay but I'm just worried because my mom died of a heart attack and now I'm short of breath....
Me: "Click" Ya Sometimes I just cut people off and transfer them mid sentence. A girl can only take so much.